In WW2 France, Rene Artois runs a small café where Resistance fighters, Gestapo men, German Army officers and escaped Allied POWs interact daily, ignorant of one another's true identity or presence, exasperating Rene.
[repeated line] René: You stupid woman!
Edith: Tonight I will sing as I have never sung before. René: What, in tune?
[to Herr Flick and von Smallhausen] Officer Crabtree: Good moaning, Herr Flock. And von Smellhorsen.
[repeated line] Officer Crabtree: Good Moaning.
Officer Crabtree: I was pissing by the door, when I heard two shats. You are holding in your hand a smoking goon; you are clearly the guilty potty.
Capt. Hans Geering: Do you not see that if you kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, then you need not light the candle with the handle on the gateau from the chateau! René: Simple plans are always the best.
[Hans has accidentally run over Herr Flick's car with a steamroller] Herr Flick: This is very serious! The Gestapo is only insured for third party!
Capt. Bertorelli: Generalissimo, I embrace you. [bearhugs von Klinkerhoffen to his extreme distaste] Capt. Bertorelli: Mussolini has given me a present for you: the Italian War Hero Medal. [produces medal] Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Ah, the Italian War Hero Medal. I have never seen one of these...
Edith: Listen carefully, Michelle said this only once.
[upon seeing Leclerc's latest disguise] René: Man of a thousand faces, every one the same.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Heil Hitler! Officer Crabtree: Hole Hotler!
[repeated line] Capt. Hans Geering: [shouts] 'tler!
[repeated line] Roger Leclerc: [lifts glasses] It is I, Leclerc.
[repeated line] Michelle Dubois: Listen very carefully; I shall say this only once.
[Officer Crabtree is standing inside the pissoir, using it, when it is demolished by Edith driving Lieutenant Gruber's little tank] Officer Crabtree: [climbing out of the rubble] There is obviously no piss for the wicked.
Michelle Dubois: Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once. René: Well, in that case, could you please speak slowly?
[repeated line] Monsieur Alfonse: Oh, my dicky ticker!
Lt. Hubert Gruber: You notice I am walking very gingerly. René: Do not tell me you have dynamite in your trousers. Lt. Hubert Gruber: You should not believe everything you hear, Rene.
Col. Von Strom: Ah, Helga. What can we do for you? Capt. Hans Geering: Judging from past experience, very little.
Helga: What about the good news? Herr Flick: The good news is there is no more bad news.
Lt. Hubert Gruber: Would you like to come for a ride in my little tank?
[repeated line] Capt. Bertorelli: What a mistake-a to make-a.
René: We will stick out like a carrot in an omelet.
Herr Flick: I have a box of sharp needles somewhere. [opens a drawer] Herr Flick: Ah, here they are. Helga: What have you in mind, Herr Flick? Herr Flick: I have an excellent gramophone and many old records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing. Helga: Hitler's speeches quite amusing? Herr Flick: Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck.
[Michelle is disguised as a window cleaner] René: Hang on a minute. You have not finished my windows. Michelle Dubois: Screw your windows!
Capt. Hans Geering: Rene, your wife has many talents. Col. Von Strom: Singing isn't one of them.
[Maria has disguised the airmen as waitresses, so René mimes to them that they must not go upstairs with the Germans] Flying Officer Carstairs: [turning to Fairfax] What was all that about? Flying Officer Fairfax: I think he means that if Hitler comes in and wants us to go upstairs with him, we're not to go. Flying Officer Carstairs: Is he like "that," then? Flying Officer Fairfax: Oh, yes. René: [to the others] And they must not speak. [Rene turns to the airmen and mimes that they must be silent] Flying Officer Carstairs: What does that mean? Flying Officer Fairfax: Well, if we do go upstairs with Hitler, we're not to tell anyone. Flying Officer Carstairs: Well, it's hardly the sort of thing you boast about, is it.
René: But you won't shoot me? Col. Von Strom: That goes without saying. René: I would feel better if you said it, just the same.
[repeated line] René: Oh, 'eck!
[the airmen have come downstairs, minus their mustaches, dressed as serving girls] Flying Officer Fairfax: Carstairs, you're standing like a tart again. [Carstairs drops his arm to his side] Edith: [looking the airmen up and down] No one will suspect them. They look just like the staff. René: Edith, the Germans *take* the staff upstairs from time to time. If they took these two upstairs, do you not think that their suspicions will be aroused? Yvette Carte-Blanche: We are much more attractive. They will take us. René: And suppose there is a rush? Flying Officer Carstairs: What are they saying, Fairfax? Flying Officer Fairfax: I've no idea - it's all in French.
Yvette Carte-Blanche: What is happening? Maria Recamier: We were both aroused by the banging. Edith: I too was aroused by the banging. Roger Leclerc: I was aroused when I saw the girls with the candles.
[repeated line] René: [to Madame Fanny] You silly old bat!
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Guards! Arrest all Gypsies driving fire engines.
[the airmen have entered the cafe disguised as pallbearers, when a squad of Germans arrive] Flying Officer Carstairs: What's going on? Michelle Dubois: [English accent] Jerries. Keep quite or you'll be shot. Flying Officer Fairfax: [looking down] We're wearing the right clobber for it.
Herr Flick: [to the tune of the Hokey Pokey] You put your right boot in, you take your right boot out, you do a lot of shouting and you shake your fists about. You light a little smokie and you burn down ze town, zat's vot it's all about. Ah, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler... [cut off by telephone]
Col. Von Strom: [about Hitler] Do you think he has a screw loose? Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: In my opinion, a whole Meccano set is falling apart in there!
[in order to save René from the duel with Monsieur Alphonse, the colonel intends to have a military practice at the site and kill him in the crossfire] René: I don't know, is it possible to just wound him? Capt. Hans Geering: With a 22mm shell, "just wounding" may be difficult.
Officer Crabtree: God Moaning. The resist-once have accqo-aired a bum. They are going to ex-plod the whaleway brodge.
Monsieur Alfonse: Perhaps Madame Edith will make me the happiest man alive... René: I thought you wanted to marry her?
[Edith has devised a plan to help get the airmen to the P.O.W. camp via the graveyard] René: Edith, if this plan fails, there will not be a wall in Nuvion big enough to shoot us all against.
[Rene is shaving in the bathroom when there is a knock on the door] Yvette Carte-Blanche: Rene, what are you doing? René: Cutting my throat, my love.
René: But if Herr Flick knows about that he will shoot me... slowly and painfully.
Officer Crabtree: I was pissing by the door when I heard a shat.
René: [to wife Edith] Youuuuuu stupid woman!
[to a member of the Communist Resistance] Capt. Bertorelli: You are a beyoodiful lyedee, but what a cow.
Officer Crabtree: My lips are soiled.
Flying Officer Carstairs: Look at my knees [lifts up his "skirt"] René: Why is he showing you his knees? Michelle Dubois: He was a scrubber at ze nunnery. René: No wonder they threw him out.
Herr Flick: I will not be reporting this incident to Berlin. I do not wish to look a right 'nana.